This is a joke... Right?



Catmas

Cat-mas season is here. This is a wonderful time of year when the humans decorate the home for us cats in anticipation of the visit from Santa Claws. The tree went up yesterday, and so did I. Made it to the fourth branch within the first five minutes before the Big Owner chased me out of the tree.

So, as I do every year, I waited and watched the humans decorate the Cat-mas tree with all sorts of what the humans call "ornaments." I call them "cat toys." Ornaments are invitations to a cat, bright and shiny spheres just daring a cat to knock them off.

Every year the humans hang the ornaments a little higher out of my range, forcing me to elevate my game to knock them off. Humans "ohhh and ahhh" as they decorate the Cat-mas tree. I salivate in anticipation of the night's activities. The humans retire to bed, as is custom during Cat-mas season, leaving me to play with my tree.

Tonight is a challenge, the ornaments are at an all time high. I crept under the tree and began to scale branches. This is great! A tree in my own home, why don't they do this year-round? Five, six, seven branches, I climb like a pro. Ten, twelve, I am half way to the top, and there is the first ornament! This is easy as Cat-mas fruitcake.

I make my way down the branch approaching the first ornament. It lightly jiggles as my weight causes the bough to bend. Almost there! One paw away and I feel a shudder. Something is not right, I begin to lose my balance. The room is tilting! No, the room isn't tilting, the Cat-mas tree is falling! It seemed like forever as the tree leaned, then pitched, and finally crashed to the floor in a resounding bang of exploding bulbs, ornaments, and broken limbs.

I quickly extricated myself from the splintered tree just as the Big Owner came bursting in snapping on the lights. There I was, sitting next to the tree, as innocent a look on my face as any other in the household. "What happened?" he growled. Not a peep from me, I turned and looked at the tree. "I guess we hung too many ornaments on one side of the tree," I heard him say later as he hoisted the mangled Cat-mas tree back into place. "Good answer," I thought.

The Big Owner staggered off to bed, and I retreated to the living room. Maybe I'll tear down those stockings that were hung by the chimney with care ..... It was a good day./Submitted by: J.J.M.


Exercise

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active.

The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions.

The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wild sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge.

Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

Have a good Work-Out!/Submitted by: Al


Pilling the Cat

I am cat. Cat I am.
I will not eat my pill with ham.

I will not take it with a mouse,
I will not take it in a house.

I will not take it don't you see,
I will not take it, Cat is me!

I will not take it in the yard,
I will not take it in the car.

I will not take this pill you fool,
I will not take it in a pool.

I will not take it if you plead,
I will not take it when you bleed.

I will not take it when you beg,
I will not take it with a keg.

I'll nae take it naer ye try,
I'll just flick it in yer eye.

I won't eat it, try again.
Won't eat it when yer on a can.

Won't even take it when ye die,
No matter how ye try and try.

I will not eat it thank ye ma'am
I am a cat -- I am I am!/Submitted by: Nancy


Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk -- dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary -- the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time.

When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now, he smells a lot better./Submitted by: Mr. Brown


A Kitten's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
The king-size bed is soft and deep.

I sleep right in the center groove
My human can not hardly move.

I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night

No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and I want food.

I sneak up slowly and begin
To nibble on my human's chin.

She wakes up quickly, ... I have sharp teeth.

For the morning is here and it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.

So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I can see.

The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed for me at night!!/Submitted by Lalla34


Cat's Guide

So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some examples of things you can do. Sitting on paper is an oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children. Wake your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives: Use the cat box during an important formal dinner. Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude. Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack. After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling. While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented. After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far./Submitted by:Lissa


8 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password....

1. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

2. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

3. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

4. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

6. You keep finding new software like CatinTax and WarCat II.

7. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

8. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post./Submitted by: Harold


The Laws of Cat Physics

1 - Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion : A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.

11 - Law of Obediance Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

17 - Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

19 - Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

21 - Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

24 - Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

25 - Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

26 - Law of Selective Listening: Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

27 - Law of Equidistant Separation: All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

28 - Law of Cat Invisibility: Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.

29 - Law of Space-Time Continuum: Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

30 - Law of Concentration of Mass: A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

31 - Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle): It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might" be.

32 - Law of Cat Obedience: As yet undiscovered./Submitted by: Jan


Crochety Old Man

The Doctor dropped in to see the new patient, who turned out to be on the irritable side. "What seems to be the trouble, sir?" asked the Doctor.

"That's for you to find out," was the snappy comeback, accompanied by dirty looks.

"I see," said the Doctor. "Well, if you'll excuse me a minute, I'll bring in a friend of mine -- a vet. He's the only man I know who can make a diagnosis without asking questions."/Submitted by: A.C.


The Vet

A man brought a very limp dog into the clinic. The vet pulled out his stethoscope, examined the dog briefly, shook his head sadly and said: "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any tests or anything. I want another opinion!"

The vet turned abruptly and left the room, returning with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.

After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark".

The veterinarian left again and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. The cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow."

Then the vet handed the man a bill for $600. The bereaved owner went postal. "$600 just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan.... /submitted by: Pat
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