Ask Dr. Guse
Dear Silly: Have you a cure for halitosis? - Stinky
Dear Stinky: Yes. Eat more fish.
Dear Silly: What's you favorite shade of blue? - Misty Eyes
Dear Misty: Orange. It's the color of my yarn ball.
Dear Dr. Silly: My cat ate a styrofoam pellet. Will this kill him? - Oscar D.
Dear Osc: No. But it sounds like he has a mineral deficiency. Give him more fish. Fresh fish is best but any fish will do.
Dear Silly: Do you like peanut butter and jelly? - A.M.
Dear Morning: I like submarine sandwiches. My favorite recipe is a few questions below.
Dear Dr. Guse: How many years did you have to go to school in order to get your degree? - Pete
Dear Pete: I am 12 years old.
Dear Silly: Do you like Snoop Dog? - a fan
Dear Fan of Mine: I like Snoop Cat.
Dear Silly: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? - xyz
Dear ?: Fish
Dear Silly: My dog barks all night long. How can I break him of this? - Angela Di
Dear Angel: Shoot him.
Dear Silly: How old is Renae? - Bill
Dear Bill: 95
Dear Silly: How can I get spaghetti stain out of my couch? - Broslin
Dear Bro: You can't and don't worry about it. Your cat doesn't mind having a multi-colored scratching post.
Dear Silly: My dog can count to five. Can you? - Ed
Dear Mr. Ed: Only five? Did he go to dumb-dumb school?
Dear Silly: Help - my cat ate the neighbor's parakeet! - Anxious
Dear Anx: All right! Way to go!
Dear Dr. Silly: My cat peed in my borfriend's shoe and he's hopping mad. What should I do? - Ali
Dear Ali: Now that's an interesting idea. When Ethan comes home I think I'll try it.
Dear Silly: Do you like mice? - B
Dear B:They're a pleasant delicacy but fish is better.
Dear Silly: Where is the end of the rainbow? - Irish
Dear Ire: Right beside the crock of fish.
Dear Silly: Do you like toys? What's your favorite? - Jim
Dear Jim: Yes, mice.
Dear Silly: Is Renae very smart? - Bill
Dear Bill: She must be. She allowed me to adopt her.
Dear Dr. Silly: You're a Halloween colored cat, right? Do you go trick-or-treating? - Emily
Dear Em: Don't need to. I AM a treat.
Dear Dr. Guse: Why did my doctor say I need to take insulin?
Dear Whoever: He probably didn't say that. Most likely he said you need to be insolent.
Dear Dr. Silly: My cat walked all over my keyboard, and now I have really big print on my screen. How can I get him to fix it? - Ethan
Dear Ethan: Live with it. He was just preparing you for old age.
Dear Silly: Are you spoiled rotten? - mcarolm
Dear Carol: No, but sometimes the fish my person throws out is. Boy, does it taste good!
Dear Silly: My Siamese, Wing Ding, insists on peeing on my stove... every night. How can I train him not to? - carolinablue
Dear Carolina: Why should you train him not to? Don't you notice the ammonia smell to the urine? He's just trying to sanitize your stove. If this bothers you I suggest you place a litterbox on the stove at night.
Dear Dr. Guse: Why does cat urine smell like ammonia? - Margaret
Dear Margaret: It's our way of purifying the environment.
Dear Dr. Silly: Why don't cats shave? - Manfred
Dear Man: We don't shave because we would be naked. Why do people like being/seeing naked?
Dear Silly: Did you see that new movie "Cats and Dogs?" Do you think it will win an Oscar? - Me
Dear You: If it doesn't win an "Oscar" I'll give it a "Silly."
Dr. Guse: I'm starting my new job as a stock broker next week. Have you any suggestions for me so that I'll keep my new boss happy and make good trades for my clients? - John J.
Dear JJ: Yes. Read all the right papers and journals, never turn away a prospective client because he isn't wealthy and above all, before leaving for work every morning, make sure you're wearing your pants. You humans look funny without them.
Dr. Silly Guse: Do you ever watch Mr. Bean and do you like him? - Annison
Yes. In fact, I think he would make an excellent role model for you humans.
Dear Dr. Guse: Why did my kitten pee on me when she saw a dog next door? - E
You belong to her and she was simply marking her territory. Believe me, had the dog come near you she'd have ripped his head off.
Dear Silly: Why does my kitten wake me in the middle of the night when his food and water are still full? - E
Dear E: You humans are funny. Why are you sleeping at night, anyway? Don't you know that nighttime makes the best playtime?
Dear Dr. Silly:
Why do my cats fall into the toilet? - R.T.
Dear Artie: There's a creature living in the toilet called the "swirlie beast." It has been known to rear its ugly head and reach up and slap humans on the buccos. It is our duty as feline protectors to safeguard our humans from the swirlie beast. Whey your cats appear to be falling in they're actually attacking the swirlie beast thereby doing you a favor.
Dear Silly:
Where is the best fishin' hole? - Benny
Dear Benny:
The pet food store, naturally.
Dr. Guse:
I am curious about why blonds are so dumb. Are blond cats dumb, too? What makes a blond dumb? - Anonymous
Dear An:
You are an insightful purrson and have obviously noticed that I am a tortoiseshell with practically no blond hair on me. I have earned my degree, ya know.
Dear Silly:
My grandma gave me a pet mouse for Christmas. What am I supposed to do with it? - Beth
Dear Beth:
What a remarkable, fantastic, outstanding grandmother you have. Will she adopt me?
Dear Silly:
Sometimes when I'm in a car and traveling down the road the road ahead of us looks wet, but when we get there it's dry. My teacher says this is heat virgins. What's that? - Tommy
Dear Tommy:
I know what you're talking about. It's actually called "temperature inversion." If you'll watch closely you'll see a mirage dog hurriedly lap all the water up before you get there. He's doing this simply to play mind games with you. Dogs will do that.
Dear Silly:
Why does my mother insist I eat grean beans? - Larry
Dear Larry:
Why indeed? I knew a cat once who actually liked the detestably green things. We all wondered what his problem was then later learned he suffered from expostulative sinewy syndrome. It was really strange but it explained his unusual appetite. Maybe your mother should go visit her veterinatian for a check-up.
Dear Silly:
Do you like beer? - Tubby
Dear Tubby:
Dunno. Does it taste like milk?
Dear Silly:
My mom makes me bathe every night. - Kurt
Dear Kurt:
As she well should! If I didn't make Renae have a shower every morning I'd have to bury her in the litterbox.
Dear Dr. Guse:
How old do I have to be before I can grow a beard? - Ray
Dear Ray:
By "beard" I assume you are referring to the furr that some humans grow on their faces. Some people have more that one face and they are referred to as two-faced. I've never seen one but I've heard a lot about them.
Dear Silly:
What is a tom-tom and how do you beat it? - April
Dear April:
A tom-tom is two male turkeys. Turkeys grow to be larger than us cats. If you happen to stalk a tom-tom and are unsuccessful on your first attempt, you only make them mad. If this happens you had better beat it.
Dear Silly:
My older brother is always telling me how stupid I am. In fact, he says that I'm so stupid, when I grow up I'll end up having to go to Kalamazoo. Where is Kalamazoo anyway, and what is it? - Karen
Dear Karen:
Your brother errs in making you believe Cow-Lamb-a-Zoo is a bad place to be. It isn't. It's actually a petting zoo located south of Gram Rapids. When we lived in Michigan (my state of origin) Renae took me to Cow-Lamb-a-Zoo once. My favorite part was the henhouse with all the chicks. Those chicks were begging for attention so I "bathed" a few. Don't know why but they kicked me out and told me to never return.
Dear Silly:
Do you like goat milk? - Ed
Dear Ed:
I've never tried ghost milk. What is it? Never mind what it is. With a name like milk, well, I am a cat ya' know. But here's a good idea: Fish flavored milk.
Dear Dr. Guse:
Mom says I have to brush my teeth. Do you ever brush your teeth? - Tonda
I've no need to brush; I eat cookies. They're hard and crunchy and that helps control tarter. Last week Renae brought me catnip flavored cookies but my favorite is fish flavored. Renae tells me I have fish breath. Hey - could I be any more attractive?!
Dear Silly:
Does the word "catatonic" mean anything to you? - Tamika
Dear Tamika:
Yes, indeed! I drink it all the time - for medicinal purposes, of course. It's made from the juice of the cataberry plant. You should try it sometime.
Dear Silly:
I've met this really awesome girl. She's fantastic! She's gorgeous! She's smart and has the most wonderful personality. Trouble is, I don't know how to approach someone as cool as her in order to ask her out. Have you any suggestions? - Peter
Dear Pete:
I'm flattered. Thank you. I'm sure you're a really nice guy and all, but, I have no interest in dating a human. I'll stick to the feline family. But thanks anyway.
Dear Silly:
My cat likes to pull the toilet paper off the roll and fill his litterbox with it. How can he be persuaded to stop this behavior? - Chrissy
Dear Chrissy:
The problem, as I see it, is that he doesn't have enough litter in his box, and since the TP roll is obviously hanging right above the litterbox, it's easy for him to simply pull the paper down and use it to cover his doodles.
The solution is simple. Fill your bathtub to the brim with litter. That should be enough to make your cat happy and you really don't have a better use for that bathtub anyway. All you people do with it is fill it full of water and lay in it or just stand in it while water splatters you on the head. It's disgusting! Put that bathtub to better use and turn it into a litterbox. You can always lick yourselves whenever you feel the need to clean up. Not only will this keep you out of the water, it will save you money too.
If you're too cheap to prepare this new litterbox for your cat you could try moving the current litterbox to a different location. It would probably do the trick.
Dear Dr. Guse:
My mom makes me drink milk. Why can't I have pop for breakfast? - Jerel
Dear Jerel:
There is something basically wrong with anyone who doesn't like milk. You get no sympathy from me but I do have a suggestion. Find a store that carries carbonated milk. This should be a solution that satisfies you AND your mother.
Dear Silly:
The blower on my car's air conditioner quit working. How can I fix it without taking it to the mechanic? - Tina
Dear Tina:
The answer to that is so simple it's silly. Just remember what it was that you did to break it then do the same thing again only in reverse. And, if you want a really fresh smelling scent coming from your newly repaired air conditioner, drop a couple fish down the intake vent.
Dear Dr. Guse:
Will you come and lecture in the math dept. at my University? - Dr. W.
Dear Dr. W.:
Sure! But you might be just as happy inviting a bunny. They are really adept at multiplication and will work for rabbit feed.
Dear Dr. Guse:
Were Adam and Eve black, white, Asian, or aborigine? - anonymous
Dear Anonymous:
Most likely
Dear Silly:
How do they get those wooden ships inside those glass bottles? - Ben
Dear Ben:
Termites take wood pieces into the bottle then carpenter ants build the ship. The how is simple. Why they do it is something science hasn't discovered yet.
Dear Silly:
Do you know how to make a nuclear submarine? - Scott
Dear Scott:
Yes.
Dear Silly:
How? - Scott
Dear Scott:
According to the old westerns my humans occasionally watch, "How" is an Indian greeting. So, here's "How" right back atcha.
Dear Silly:
How do you make an nuclear submarine? - Scott
Dear Scott:
You start with a hoagie roll, slice it lengthwise and smother the insides with horseradish. Add slices of limburger cheese, onions, fire-hot salsa, saurkraut and peppercorns. You may enjoy curry powder sprinkled liberally on top. Add a few bugs for even more flavor. My favorites are lightning bugs and stink bugs.
After eating these submarine sandwiches you'll be making several rushed trips to the litterbox. My humans can always tell when I've been eating them because they claim I've "nuked them."
Dear Silly:
My neighbors have a dog. This really bothers me. What can I do about it? - Ernie kaBernie
Dear Ernie:
I understand and sympathize with your dilemma. My neighbor has people. One or two humans might be tolerable, but they have more than that!
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