School Follies

While these stories have been floating around the web, we believe them to be in the public domain. If you know any school-related jokes please be sure to send them. Be sure to let me know if it's a joke or if it really happened so I can place it in the proper place. An e-mail link is at the bottom of the page.

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A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."

"I wonder why," the teacher mused.

"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.

"A what?" the teacher asked.

"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

The third grade class was being given a course in first aid. The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger sibling who swallowed a house key?"

After a pause, one of the students answered, "Easy! I'd climb through the window!"

A fifth grade teacher was questioning her students use of the word "like." She explained that, contrary to their common use of it, "like" was not an adjective but a comparison word. She then challenged them to think up some similes to exemplify the lesson. This done, she moved on to ask about other figures of speech.

"Class, what others can you think of?"

No one in the class could come up with anything, so she prompted them with a couple of her own.

"How about metaphors and personification?" she asked. "Aren't they examples?"

Little Johnny raised his hand, and when called upon said, "I know what a metaphor is, but not personification."

The teacher replied, "What's the word to describe what I'm saying when I point to that old willow tree and say 'He's saluting us with his branches.' Or what if I asked the sun to send us some sunshine? Or if I said 'That field of tall grass is waving at us?' What word best describes what I'm doing when I speak like that?"

Little Johnny thought a moment, then said, "Hallucinating?"

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When I was in high school I took a geology class. We were talking about the land bridge between Alaska and Asia, and how it's now covered by water because so much ice has melted. One student asked, "Why we don't just drain the water?" When asked where we would put the water, he said, "We could dump it in the ocean."

Answers to Questions on Science Tests By 5th and 6th graders:
* The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
* A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator.
* The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
* It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
* Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
* Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.
* The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
* The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
* Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
* In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
* When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
* One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
* For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the victim is dead.
* Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
* A monsoon is a French gentleman.
* The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
* Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
* To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
* Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
* Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
* There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
* The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
* You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

The class was very noisy because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned quiet. That is because the fiercest teacher in the school had entered the class. Her face is as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone's head off if offended... And if you wanna know more.... follow the lesson.
Students: Good morning, teacher.
Teacher : (shouting) Why is it only good morning? What about afternoon and night?
Students: Good morning, afternoon and night teacher!
Teacher : That is unacceptable! It is too long. Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That is much better as it is easier and full of meaning. And that greeting can also be used for all times.
Students: Best regards teacher!
Teacher : That's better, sit down! Listen today I'm going to test you all on words that have the opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or word, all of you must answer quickly the opposite meaning to the words, understand? Students: Understood teacher!
Teacher : I do not want any disturbance!
Students: (silence)
Teacher : Clever!
Students: Stupid!
Teacher : High!
Students: Low!
Teacher : Wrong!
Students: Correct!
Teacher : Stupid!
Students: Clever!
Teacher : No!
Students: Yes!
Teacher : Oh God!
Students: Oh Slave!
Teacher : Listen to this!
Students: Listen to that!
Teacher : Quiet!
Students: Noisy!
Teacher : That's not a question, stupid!
Students: This is an answer, clever!
Teacher : I'm dead!
Students: We're alive!
Teacher : I'm lazy to teach!
Students: We are hardworking to learn!
Teacher : Enough! Enough!
Students: More! More!
Teacher : Stop! Stop!
Students: Start! Start!
Teacher : Why are you people so stupid?!
Students: Because I am someone clever!
Teacher : Lack manners!
Students: Taught enough!
Teacher : O.K. Lesson has ended!
Students: K.O. Lesson has not started!
Teacher : Enough, stupid!
Students: Not yet, clever!
Teacher : Stand up!
Students: Sit down!
Teacher : You people are dumb!
Students: We are gifted!
Teacher : All of you must stay back this afternoon!
Students: Released tonight!
Teacher : (Keeps quiet, gathers her books and leaves)

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?" Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?" A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "Moose?" The teacher said.

"I hate war," Moose said, "because wars make history, and I hate history."

At a catholic school related gathering, Mother superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching." On the other end of the table was a plate piled high with cookies on which a student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God's watching the apples."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

The dull boy in Mrs. Jones class unexpectedly distinguished himself in a history examination. The question ran, "How and when was slavery introduced into America?" To which the boy replied: "No women came over to the early Virginia colony. The planters wanted wives to help with the work. In 1619 the London Company sent over a shipload of girls. The planters gladly married them and slavery was introduced to America.

The seven-year old told her Mom, that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then he double-billed the insurance company."

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes, it is." Replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."

Rabbi Mordechai Schleppman was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Sammy handed in a poor paper.

"This is the worst Yiddish essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the rabbi. "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."

"One person didn't," replied Little Sammy. "My father helped me."

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at a university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes, I will," replied the student.

He then sat down and began writing. After 2 hours, the professor called for the exams and the students filed up and handed them in -- all except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"Oh, no you don't! I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry, "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Are you sure you don't know who I am?!" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and briskly walked out of the room.

Three people were trying to get into heaven. Peter asked the first, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him in.

Then St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him in.

Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who's there?"

"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third.

"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."

Young Timmy was on the carpet in the Principal's office. "I'm getting rather tired of seeing you in here," said the Principal. "What is it this time?"

"Nothing, sir," said the indignant young scholar, "I was only doing what Mr. Jackson told me to do."

"Really?" said the Principal with a sigh. "Are you sure you weren't being insolent again?"

"No, sir." Timmy replied. "Mr. Jackson got all upset when I was explaining why I hadn't done my homework and he asked me, 'Do I look stupid?' ... So I told him!"

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have a half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

In the high school science quiz, there was a question: "When water becomes ice, which of its physical properties increases?" Everyone answered: "Its volume increases" ... Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water becomes ice, its price increases."

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, ...what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Bart raised his hand. The teacher called on him for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Bart answered, "A lawyer!"

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