School Follies

While these stories have been floating around the web, we believe them to be in the public domain. If you know any school-related jokes please be sure to send them. Be sure to let me know if it's a joke or if it really happened so I can place it in the proper place. An e-mail link is at the bottom of the page.

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

These are from test papers and essays submitted by kids:

1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"

3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

10. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

14. "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."

15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

21. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

23. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

24. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."

25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

26. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

27. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

28. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

29. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

30. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

31. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

32. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

33. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

34. "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

35. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

36. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

37. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

38. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card-unopened-laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the kid.

New Elements For The Periodic Table

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.

Useful Metric Conversions

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 Unicycle

500 millinaries = 1 seminary

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

2.71828 grams of turd = 1 natural log

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hossen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

2000 British Troops in Ireland = 2 kilohenry

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

1 trillion grams of brown marijuana = 1 Terracotta pot

1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

5 dialogues = 1 decalogue

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickles = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

100 Senators = not 1 decision

The Evolution Of Teaching Math
(How a math problem changed its look)

Up to the 1960's
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit?

In the early 1970's
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, i.e., $8. What is his profit?

1970's (new math)
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big dots representing the elements of M. The set of production cost is comprised of 2 big dots less then the set M. Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits?

1980's
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his profit is $2. Underline, the word "potatoes" and discuss it with your classmates.

1990's
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10.00. His production costs are 0.80 of his revenue. On your calculator graph revenue versus costs. Run the "POTATO" program on your computer to determine the profit. Discuss the result with the other students in your group. Write a brief essay that analyzes how this example relates to the real world of economics.

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered with the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And John answered, "Mom...."

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said:

"So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"

How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Light bulb changing isn't in the course notes.

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