School Follies

While these stories have been floating around the web, we believe them to be in the public domain. If you know any school-related jokes please be sure to send them. Be sure to let me know if it's a joke or if it really happened so I can place it in the proper place. An e-mail link is at the bottom of the page.
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Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and science test scores of American students. We bombed in history, too. Over 90 percent of high school students think "BC" means "Before Cable".
A University of South Carolina student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty coed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the tired line "Where do y'all go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The South Carolina student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL?"
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.
The teacher was explaining simple, everyday habits one can develop to maintain good health. She told her first-graders that it is a good idea to drink 6 to 8 glasses of water a day.

The next day, one little boy came into class holding his hand on his tummy and looking miserable.

"Johnny," the teacher began, "you look sick. Is anything wrong?"

"I don't think so, Teacher, but I couldn't drink all that water you told us to drink. The most I could drink was 43 glasses."
Following are actual test answers from high school students:

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they wrote in hydraulics. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee, Brutus."

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems, verses and literature.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.


The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs. At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?"

One of the brightest students in the class wrote: "0% financing."
The teacher asked her class to use the word choo-choo in a sentence. First she called on Amy who said "The choo-choo pulled the train up the hill and down the hill."

"Good," the teacher replied. Next she turned to Larry and said, "Please use choo-choo in a sentence."

"The choo-choo is chugging real fast."

"All right," said the teacher. Then she asked, "Gizmut, can you use the word choo-choo in a sentence?"

Gizmut says, "You toucha my car an I'll choo-choo."
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

   No news is ... impossible
   A penny saved is ... not much
   The pen is mightier than the ... pigs
   Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty
   You can't teach an old dog new ... math
   Where there's smoke there's ... pollution
   Two's company, three's ... The Musketeers
   Happy the bride who ... gets all the presents
   Never underestimate the power of ... Termites
   If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries
   When the blind leadeth the blind ... get out of the way
   If you lie down with dogs, you'll .... stink in the morning
   You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box
   Laugh: the world laughs with you, cry: ... you have to blow your nose

The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his, "Papa fell in the well last week..." he began.

"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Koop. "Is he all right now?"

"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
MacTavish's little boy was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. "If you have five pounds," said the teacher, "and I ask you for a loan of three pounds, how many pounds will you have left?"

"Five," said young MacTavish firmly.

"Five?" the teacher said "How do you make it five?"

"Well," replied young MacTavish "You can ask for a loan of three pounds, but that doesn't mean you're gonna get it."
A little girl had just finished her first day of school. "I don't belong there," she said to her mother. "I don't know how to read or write and they won't let me talk!"/Submitted by: A.P. (No, Bill, it wasn't you.)
Teacher: "Little Johnny, can you tell us what comes after 'O'?"
Little Johnny: "Yeah?"
Personality Tests

A psychology student is helping his professor conduct a personality test. The room is set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room starts the test.

"How does this glass of water look to you?" asks the student.

Person 1 replies, "It is half empty." The student checks 'pessimist.'

A second person enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 2 says, "It's half full." The student checks 'optimist.'

Person 3 enters. "How does this glass of water look to you?" asks the student.

Person 3 responds, "Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there."

The student looks totally blank and has to go consult the professor. "Oh that!" says the professor. "I forgot to warn you about engineers! They have no personality."
SMILE & CRY

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Then she said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."
The child comes home from his first day at school.

Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
College Freshmen, 2001

Each year, the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is the list for 2001:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era.

Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has only been one Pope.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw-off and plastic.

The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and 8 tracks.

The statement "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them because they have never owned a record player.

They've likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.

They've always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.

They have always had cable and VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.

Roller-skating has always meant "inline" for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.II, W.W.I and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "De plane, de plane!"

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America and Alabama are all places, not groups.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue as to how to use a typewriter.

I don't know about you -- but I feel OLD!
Schools We Don't want to Attend

The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation
The Mike Tyson Charm School
The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service
The Saddam Hussein Military Academy
The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics
The Don King Barber College
The Pee-wee Herman Advanced Sexuality Course
The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy.
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes.

"What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."
The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."
Automated Answering Service:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent, press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, press 2

To complain about what we do, press 3

To cuss out staff members, press 4

To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, press 5

If you want us to raise your child, press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8

To complain about bus transportation, press 9

To complain about school lunches, press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lacks of effort, HANG UP and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!
Student: Sir, I have a complaint. I don't believe I deserve a zero on this exam.

Professor: Neither do I, but it's the lowest grade I can give.
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